Because in Chinese culture love is expressed through action. It’s a very difficult concept for us as Westerners to grasp at times. We are used to words expressing love. Years ago I dated a Chinese gentleman and he suddenly (or it seemed sudden to me) began talking to me about planning an engagement dinner for our friends and family to attend, and a wedding tea ceremony, and…and I was terrified out of my mind because how could this man talk about planning a wedding, a marriage to me, when he wasn’t in love with me?! He’d never said he loved me. And he’d never officially proposed marriage either. It was as if he just…assumed…we would get married because we dated? This was so odd to me, even coming from a very conservative part of American society. Because here, dating doesn’t guarantee marriage. You must actually propose marriage for there to be that kind of understanding between a couple. But before that happens you must confess your love verbally. And that doesn’t happen much in Chinese culture. But I didn’t know that until much later—after I had ran far away from this man. You see I thought he didn’t love me. And I couldn’t marry a man who didn’t love me. So I broke things off with him. And in hindsight his anger made sense. But at the time I couldn’t understand why he was so upset about losing a woman he wasn’t in love with, because surely if he loved me, he’d say that instead of letting me walk away, right? Wrong. Cultural differences can be very painful when two people do not understand.
This is why communication is so very important. intercultural relationships can work and they are very, very much worth the effort but you must put in the communication because if you don’t, these cultural differences can destroy your relationship. With communication they could probably turn into amusing anecdotes to tell your grandchildren. “Remember the time your ditzy American grandmother thought I didn’t love her because I wanted to marry her?” (Yes, because I really am that dense.)
What can show your love more than literally wanting to marry the woman you’re dating? But when the woman you’re dating is American, whose love language is a cultural default of verbal affection, you’re going to have to swallow your nerves and choke out the words, “I love you,” at least once, even if you never say them again in your life. Conversely, your American girl is going to have to realize that somewhere between showering you with words of love and adoration, she might need to find some practical ways to tangibly show her love in action. Because this is how you show love in Chinese culture.